Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
He better not be in your backpack
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
