fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Randomize
