I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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