Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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