Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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