i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
