i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
