i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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