Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
false alarm, still single
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