is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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