I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
