So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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