I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
