I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
