There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
