Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
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