you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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