I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
