3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
