The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
