So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Randomize
