dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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