i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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