you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
stop calling my apartment porn island.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
