oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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