well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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