absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
BRING THE BAGELS
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
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