oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
