Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
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