Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
