this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
