There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
