my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
