Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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