apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
