it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
We are two peas in an std pod
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
