You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Randomize
