When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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