I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
