please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
we're making bets on your personal life
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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