dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
