Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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