i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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