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this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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