I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
