I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
