Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
My hand turned me down
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Randomize
