this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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