I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize