That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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