I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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