3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
organizing the empties. That sober.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
