someone threw a dead crab at me
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
you never un-have a 4some
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
