he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
