I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
