it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Randomize
