home. puking in laundry basket.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
