He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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