My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
