I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
