My hair reeks of homosexuality.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize