I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I am naked and annoyed.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
