I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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